Since we don’t have T.J Maxx in Canada (at least not here in the GTA) I decided to do a little patchwork on this funny story from over at the Onion.

While a majority of the nation’s top retailers have reported a decided slump in 2008, economists studying the declining consumer markets are still unable to determine if discount store Walmart has been affected by widespread recession.

Financial analysts, observing more than 100 locations nationwide, cited large quantities of off-brand and wildly scattered merchandise as evidence that Walmart has either been devastated by the economic downturn, or is carrying on as usual in spite of it.

“The state of this store does not in any way correspond to our standard criteria for judging long-term viability,” said economist Graham Stinson, referring to the Richmond Hill location, where more than half of the fluorescent lights are burnt out. “For instance, the canvas bins heaped with broken stemware in aisle six may be a sign that Walmart is on the verge of complete bankruptcy. Either that, or it’s doing perfectly fine. It’s impossible to say which.”

Further evidence of Walmart’s imminent foreclosure or, possibly, its wholly unaffected condition, included reports of shoppers rummaging through barrels of lamps up to their shoulders, multiple sightings of bras stuffed into children’s shoes, the impromptu sale of in-store display cases for cash, and an excess of golf-based giftware.

Although economists were able to make firsthand observations of customers rifling through overturned clothing racks, their requests to analyze the company’s financial records were met with confusion. Stinson and his team were eventually provided with a water-stained folder of handwritten receipts, but failed to make use of most of the data due to its ripped, soiled, and often indecipherable state.

Compiled interviews with customers also provided little insight. Many reported seeing “Cash Only, No Refunds” signs posted in every store and recalled having to climb over sacks of winter coats to reach clearance bins of mix-and-match earrings, leading economists to believe that the discount chain may be suffering after all.

“They must be doing really badly if they’re selling this crap really cheap,” said Toronto resident Brian Crowe, carrying an armful of L.A. Gear sneakers to his car. “You’ve got to take advantage before this place shuts its doors for good.”

Others, however, see Walmart poised to have a very lucrative year in 2009.

“That place must be doing pretty well,” frequent customer Mark Rankin said. “I just saw some guy walking around with an armful of L.A. Gear sneakers.”

With only one checkout lane remaining in most stores, some financial experts speculate that the retailer can no longer afford to employ workers. A two-week study of the Thornhill-area location did, however, turn up some minor evidence of a workforce, including the sighting of three folded shirts and a number of individuals smoking and playing Uno in the break room.

Let’s cross our fingers and hope Walmart continues to rollback their prices for a long time to come.